Learn. Live. Love. An occassional glimpse of the Kaisers

How the brain detects and responds to fear

Taking Gwen to swim lessons over the last two weeks dug up memories and sparked a lot of introspection. I never really learned to swim, mostly due to fear of breathing in water, and due to fears some people from my past expertly burned into my head and heart. My introspection went far beyond swimming and fear of drowning, though.

I started thinking about different fears I have accumulated over the years and have just built my life around. Then I acknowledged different tenets I’ve adopted over the years, good and bad, that have also just become a part of who I am and how I relate to the world.

I’ve come out with greater awareness of what drives my daily decisions, what assumptions I make, and what guidance I give my children. Now I’m able to challenge my assumptions and approach decisions from a different perspective. This is becoming automatic.

The most important realization from all this is that of passing on fears to my children. It would be all too easy to impose my own fears on my children as they encounter new challenges. I could have kept them out of swim lessons, because, well, I never succeeded at swim lessons, so why would they? If I didn’t think about it, I could rob them of numerous other opportunities, all because they are outside my own frame of reference — all because they are things I wouldn’t or couldn’t do.

Do not feed the fear

I don’t want to do that, and neither should you. Here’s my advice.

1. Take time to think about things your children might enjoy learning.
2. Do not consider whether these things interest you, or whether you have an aptitude for them. This Isn’t About You.
3. If your child decides to check this interest out, do not poison the well by loading them down with warnings and fears and your thoughts and your way and cautions and “what to do if you don’t like it” and all that. This could be difficult, but remember — that all comes from you, and This Isn’t About You.
4. If your child loses interest for any reason, do not chalk this up as a mark against the child. Do not think for one minute that “I should have told him/her about this/that.”

Your child needs the opportunity to initiate, explore, learn, fail, and decide, without your undue influence.

I’m not saying you can’t give advice. I guess what I am saying is, provide opportunities, support them in their pursuits, always be willing to listen, and think twice — no, three times — before you go spilling your opinions all over.